Open letter to an underwear thief

When I was a freshman in college I rarely wore clean clothes because I rarely washed my clothing. This made my mother very disappointed. Slowly, over the course of four years, I learned to sort, wash, and eventually even fold my own laundry. This made my mother very proud. This year, I have reached a new pinnacle. Once or twice every week I wash my own laundry by hand in a bucket in my bathroom, and then hang it on a line outside my room to dry. As this is a new process, I’ve had to relearn the methodology I’ve worked so hard to perfect. One problem is that every night it rains, and every night I forget my laundry outside. As a result, the laundry is as wet or wetter the next morning as it was when I first put it out to dry.

One day last week you solved my problem of forgetting my laundry outside - permanently. As I returned home to the hostel just after sunset, I thought it prudent to take in my laundry before I forgot. But as I approached the clothesline I noticed something strange - there was nothing there at all. Sure that the clothing must have fallen into the tall grass surrounding the line I fetched a lantern to begin the search. Nothing. You stole my laundry. But this wasn’t just any laundry - this was an underwear load. Eight pair of my oldest, most comfortable, worn in cotton boxers were missing! Why would you possibly want to steal my old underwear?

Some of these pairs I’ve been wearing since my High School days, if you can imagine that. They have holes along the seams, worn out elastic, and threadbare bottoms. Most disappointingly, it is not possible to purchase boxer in this country because, as you know, everyone wears bright colored bikini briefs. This fact leads me to my question, why do you want my old shabby underwear? Perhaps you thought they could be stitched together to make a nice curtain, or a summer-weight baby blanket? Some of the PG students offered to help me conduct an investigation on campus; a public strip search of the student body will begin immediately. Oh well, guess I’ll just have to increase the frequency of my underwear washing, but from now on I’m hanging them inside to dry.

With confusion,
Rob “Size Medium” Martin